Motlanthe praises Zimbabwe effort

South African caretaker president Kgalema Motlanthe has praised the efforts of former president Mbeki and the SADC in preventing a potentially dangerous outbreak of democracy in Zimbabwe. "As we know, democracy is the enemy of stability. Our neighbour has been stable for a long time now, but recently, there has been a major outbreak of democracy threatening in Zimbabwe." Motlanthe said during his state of the nation address at the opening of parliament today. "Fortunately, we have been able to prevent this in the nick of time. We must now rise to the challenge, as we may be facing a similar problem here in South Africa, where we may also be facing democratic threats to the true leader, cde. Jacob Zuma. South Africa suffered a major outbreak in 1994, which has taken us fifteen years to bring under control, and now it appears to be making a comeback." He continued: "Comrades Mbeki and Zuma have shown us that democracy is harder to cure than AIDS, which can be fixed with vegetables and also regular showering. And we know that where democracy flourishes, the twin scourges of transparency and accountability soon follow."
Mothlanthe also stated that democracy is a major threat to the African way of life, and should be eradicted wherever it is found. Africa should look to the examples like its new leader, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, who has maintained stability in his country since 1969 "without even pretending to have elections". We can all learn something from such a man, Motlanthe contimued. "The brilliance of the solution in Zimbabwe is that we have managed to achieve a solution which appears like a huge change, but in effect nothing has changed at all. It is a a completely brilliant tactic, which means that cde Mugabe will be able to rule untroubled by elections for many years to come, while that dog Tsvangirai can do nothing. If only it was that easy in South Africa"

How we discovered the true identity of the Stig

The Monkeysphere received an anonymous tip-off after the Stig was seen running over a swimming pool during a recent visit to South Africa by the Top Gear team. When confronted by this evidence, Jeremy Clarkson was forced to admit that the Stig was indeed Jesus.
Apparently the Stig took this shortcut in order to take a leak in the bushes during a function at a private home in Sandton, as all the inside toilets were occupied and He thought nobody was watching. Unbeknownst to Him, a neighbour happened to be trying out a new video camera, and accidentally captured the astonishing event of a man in white helmet and overalls running across the surface of a swimming pool full of water.
According to Clarkson, they have been taking extreme measures to avoid exactly this kind of accident, and Jesus had undertaken to avoid raising the dead, changing water into wine and 'that sort of thing' since his inclusion in the Top Gear team seven years ago.
The Monkeysphere are attempting to obtain this sensational video material, watch this space...

Who is the Stig - revealed at last!

On Sunday night, the popular South African television programme, Carte Blanche, revealed that the Stig is actually Archbishop Desmond Tutu. This is of course, utter nonsense. As promised, the true identity of the Stig is revealed here and now, and it's sensational! The Monkeysphere has not only discovered the identity of the Top Gear's 'tamed racing driver', but has also obtained a world first exclusive set of interviews with him, which will be serialized on this page over the next few weeks. The Stig is not some obscure person you've never heard of, as has been reported in the past, he is a world celebrity of unbelievable proportion. No, it's not Michael Schumacher, it's ... wait for it... Jesus! Yes, he of Christ and Nazareth fame!
According to Jeremy Clarkson, the previous 'Black Stig' had been an actual demon "who was driving the living Jesus" out of their cars. Jesus was sent by his Dad to exorcise the demon and literally put the Jesus back in the cars. This is how the white Stig was born, and Jesus discovered an unexpected passion for driving fast cars around a track. Thus the original plan for the Second Coming, and Armageddon and all that were put on hold, as Jesus enjoyed his newfound occupation. "For a being whose only previous driving experience was limited to donkeys, he was spectacularly fast. But, He is after all a god" muses Clarkson. "Initially there was a lot of confusion with two JC's around".
Jesus has agreed to a series of interviews to be published here, revealing not only intimate details about Himself and His family, but also knowledge about the nature of the Multiverse that will shake our beliefs to the very foundations. We will disclose Revelations on the creation, the fifteen commandments (yes, there were), heaven, hell and much, much more! Exclusively on the Monkeysphere! Coming soon to a blog near you, "The Jesus Interviews".

Having trouble with your braai?

Having trouble getting that braai fire going? Why not use a flamethrower? Well, you could if you lived in the good ole US of A!
Or fancied owning a minigun - yes that's the mofo machine gun that looks so good on Big Arnie in various movies - or blow something up with Tannerite? Yes, we could, if we lived in Uncle Sam's territory.
Cracked.com have made a list of seven things that are surprisingly legal in the US.

Secret identity of the Stig revealed!

World exclusive! The monkeysphere has discovered the true identity of the "tamed racing driver" from the BBC programme Top Gear, nicknamed the Stig. All will be revealed soon, and it's sensational. And no, it's not someone you've never heard of, he's famous, very famous.

All hail the Jesus lizard!

While doing a Google search for images of Jesus Christ (don't ask), the Branch Manager found this amazing animal by accident. The common basilisk (Basiliscus basiliscus) is a 25cm lizard found in South America, and is nicknamed the Jesus lizard for its ability to run on water. Read more on Wikipedia

The monkeysphere has a proper domain!

Check it out! www.themonkeysphere.net! Cool, innit

Sand ninjas

New deal for Zuma?

Sources close to the NPA have revealed that a new deal may be on offer to Jacob Zuma relating to the corruption charges he faces. This could mean that charges against mr Zuma may be dropped should he complete his primary and secondary school education. "Basically the NPA would drop a hundred or so charges for every school year succesfully completed," the anonymous source disclosed, "which would mean that when mr Zuma matriculates somewhere in his second term as president, all charges would have been dropped."
The ruling party has declined to confirm whether such an offer was indeed on the cards, however, spokesman for mr Zuma, Dodge Ze-ishu, did make the following statement.

"We have received an offer from the NPA. We are presently unable to disclose the details, but cde Zuma will respond to the offer as soon as he understands it. If cde Zuma were to return to school, there could be many advantages. He already has something like nineteen children by approximately six wives, and although he struggles to count them, he loves and understands children. This could be helpful in a classroom situation. Also, many of his children would be in school with him, which would provide familiar faces to help him settle in. The children would also be able to help with his homework as some of them would be in higher grades. Yesterday, cde Zuma visited a school to see if he would like going there, and he said it certainly seemed more comfortable than the prison he visited previously, although the furniture seemed rather small. He liked the young lady standing at the front of the classroom, and wondered if he could marry her. As we can see, cde Zuma is a sociable character who likes to sing and dance and makes friends easily".

Asked if attending school and running the country at the same time would not demand too much from Mr Zuma, Dodge replied: "Cde Zuma had plenty of opportunity to study the demands of the presidency when he was vice, and realised that it was not such a hard job after all. More can be achieved by comrades singing and dancing around a fire with young maidens in one night, than in a month doing paperwork in an office. Look at young Julius Malemma, he copes with his duties as leader of the Youth League, while at the same time being a beloved member of his playgroup, that contributes as much as any other."

When asked if it would be a problem having Mr Zuma in her school, headmistress Brave Zandini said that apart from a few adminstrative issues, she saw no problems. "Of course, we would have to enlarge the school parking lot to accommodate the presidential cavalcade. The children would have to be specially trained do deal with flashing blue lights and high speed driving. Also, he and his bodyguards would have to undertake not to bully the smaller children during playground games. Other than that cde Zuma would be just another learner."

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is dealt a major blow by the resurgence of piracy

In its founding document, the open letter to the Kansas School Board, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster clearly demonstrates the inverse relationship between global warming and the decline of piracy. However, the recent resurgence of world piracy (for example in Somalia and the East coast of Africa) seems to have had no corresponding effect on global temperatures. This places one of the founding principles of this growing religion under severe pressure, as one therefore has to question all of their beliefs. Can the church survive this crisis?