Monkeysphere

Motlanthe praises Zimbabwe effort

2009-02-06T14:49:00.004+02:00

South African caretaker president Kgalema Motlanthe has praised the efforts of former president Mbeki and the SADC in preventing a potentially dangerous outbreak of democracy in Zimbabwe. "As we know, democracy is the enemy of stability. Our neighbour has been stable for a long time now, but recently, there has been a major outbreak of democracy threatening in Zimbabwe." Motlanthe said during his state of the nation address at the opening of parliament today. "Fortunately, we have been able to prevent this in the nick of time. We must now rise to the challenge, as we may be facing a similar problem here in South Africa, where we may also be facing democratic threats to the true leader, cde. Jacob Zuma. South Africa suffered a major outbreak in 1994, which has taken us fifteen years to bring under control, and now it appears to be making a comeback." He continued: "Comrades Mbeki and Zuma have shown us that democracy is harder to cure than AIDS, which can be fixed with vegetables and also regular showering. And we know that where democracy flourishes, the twin scourges of transparency and accountability soon follow."
Mothlanthe also stated that democracy is a major threat to the African way of life, and should be eradicted wherever it is found. Africa should look to the examples like its new leader, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, who has maintained stability in his country since 1969 "without even pretending to have elections". We can all learn something from such a man, Motlanthe contimued. "The brilliance of the solution in Zimbabwe is that we have managed to achieve a solution which appears like a huge change, but in effect nothing has changed at all. It is a a completely brilliant tactic, which means that cde Mugabe will be able to rule untroubled by elections for many years to come, while that dog Tsvangirai can do nothing. If only it was that easy in South Africa"

How we discovered the true identity of the Stig

2009-02-05T13:06:00.003+02:00

The Monkeysphere received an anonymous tip-off after the Stig was seen running over a swimming pool during a recent visit to South Africa by the Top Gear team. When confronted by this evidence, Jeremy Clarkson was forced to admit that the Stig was indeed Jesus.
Apparently the Stig took this shortcut in order to take a leak in the bushes during a function at a private home in Sandton, as all the inside toilets were occupied and He thought nobody was watching. Unbeknownst to Him, a neighbour happened to be trying out a new video camera, and accidentally captured the astonishing event of a man in white helmet and overalls running across the surface of a swimming pool full of water.
According to Clarkson, they have been taking extreme measures to avoid exactly this kind of accident, and Jesus had undertaken to avoid raising the dead, changing water into wine and 'that sort of thing' since his inclusion in the Top Gear team seven years ago.
The Monkeysphere are attempting to obtain this sensational video material, watch this space...

Who is the Stig - revealed at last!

2009-02-04T14:09:00.008+02:00

On Sunday night, the popular South African television programme, Carte Blanche, revealed that the Stig is actually Archbishop Desmond Tutu. This is of course, utter nonsense. As promised, the true identity of the Stig is revealed here and now, and it's sensational! The Monkeysphere has not only discovered the identity of the Top Gear's 'tamed racing driver', but has also obtained a world first exclusive set of interviews with him, which will be serialized on this page over the next few weeks. The Stig is not some obscure person you've never heard of, as has been reported in the past, he is a world celebrity of unbelievable proportion. No, it's not Michael Schumacher, it's ... wait for it... Jesus! Yes, he of Christ and Nazareth fame!
According to Jeremy Clarkson, the previous 'Black Stig' had been an actual demon "who was driving the living Jesus" out of their cars. Jesus was sent by his Dad to exorcise the demon and literally put the Jesus back in the cars. This is how the white Stig was born, and Jesus discovered an unexpected passion for driving fast cars around a track. Thus the original plan for the Second Coming, and Armageddon and all that were put on hold, as Jesus enjoyed his newfound occupation. "For a being whose only previous driving experience was limited to donkeys, he was spectacularly fast. But, He is after all a god" muses Clarkson. "Initially there was a lot of confusion with two JC's around".
Jesus has agreed to a series of interviews to be published here, revealing not only intimate details about Himself and His family, but also knowledge about the nature of the Multiverse that will shake our beliefs to the very foundations. We will disclose Revelations on the creation, the fifteen commandments (yes, there were), heaven, hell and much, much more! Exclusively on the Monkeysphere! Coming soon to a blog near you, "The Jesus Interviews".

Having trouble with your braai?

2009-02-03T14:31:00.003+02:00

Having trouble getting that braai fire going? Why not use a flamethrower? Well, you could if you lived in the good ole US of A!
Or fancied owning a minigun - yes that's the mofo machine gun that looks so good on Big Arnie in various movies - or blow something up with Tannerite? Yes, we could, if we lived in Uncle Sam's territory.
Cracked.com have made a list of seven things that are surprisingly legal in the US.

Secret identity of the Stig revealed!

2009-01-29T08:28:00.004+02:00

World exclusive! The monkeysphere has discovered the true identity of the "tamed racing driver" from the BBC programme Top Gear, nicknamed the Stig. All will be revealed soon, and it's sensational. And no, it's not someone you've never heard of, he's famous, very famous.

All hail the Jesus lizard!

2009-01-28T12:54:00.004+02:00

While doing a Google search for images of Jesus Christ (don't ask), the Branch Manager found this amazing animal by accident. The common basilisk (Basiliscus basiliscus) is a 25cm lizard found in South America, and is nicknamed the Jesus lizard for its ability to run on water. Read more on Wikipedia

The monkeysphere has a proper domain!

2009-01-20T11:01:00.002+02:00

Check it out! www.themonkeysphere.net! Cool, innit

Sand ninjas

2009-01-14T17:08:00.001+02:00

New deal for Zuma?

2009-01-14T11:11:00.005+02:00

Sources close to the NPA have revealed that a new deal may be on offer to Jacob Zuma relating to the corruption charges he faces. This could mean that charges against mr Zuma may be dropped should he complete his primary and secondary school education. "Basically the NPA would drop a hundred or so charges for every school year succesfully completed," the anonymous source disclosed, "which would mean that when mr Zuma matriculates somewhere in his second term as president, all charges would have been dropped."
The ruling party has declined to confirm whether such an offer was indeed on the cards, however, spokesman for mr Zuma, Dodge Ze-ishu, did make the following statement.

"We have received an offer from the NPA. We are presently unable to disclose the details, but cde Zuma will respond to the offer as soon as he understands it. If cde Zuma were to return to school, there could be many advantages. He already has something like nineteen children by approximately six wives, and although he struggles to count them, he loves and understands children. This could be helpful in a classroom situation. Also, many of his children would be in school with him, which would provide familiar faces to help him settle in. The children would also be able to help with his homework as some of them would be in higher grades. Yesterday, cde Zuma visited a school to see if he would like going there, and he said it certainly seemed more comfortable than the prison he visited previously, although the furniture seemed rather small. He liked the young lady standing at the front of the classroom, and wondered if he could marry her. As we can see, cde Zuma is a sociable character who likes to sing and dance and makes friends easily".

Asked if attending school and running the country at the same time would not demand too much from Mr Zuma, Dodge replied: "Cde Zuma had plenty of opportunity to study the demands of the presidency when he was vice, and realised that it was not such a hard job after all. More can be achieved by comrades singing and dancing around a fire with young maidens in one night, than in a month doing paperwork in an office. Look at young Julius Malemma, he copes with his duties as leader of the Youth League, while at the same time being a beloved member of his playgroup, that contributes as much as any other."

When asked if it would be a problem having Mr Zuma in her school, headmistress Brave Zandini said that apart from a few adminstrative issues, she saw no problems. "Of course, we would have to enlarge the school parking lot to accommodate the presidential cavalcade. The children would have to be specially trained do deal with flashing blue lights and high speed driving. Also, he and his bodyguards would have to undertake not to bully the smaller children during playground games. Other than that cde Zuma would be just another learner."

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is dealt a major blow by the resurgence of piracy

2008-12-11T08:38:00.002+02:00

In its founding document, the open letter to the Kansas School Board, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster clearly demonstrates the inverse relationship between global warming and the decline of piracy. However, the recent resurgence of world piracy (for example in Somalia and the East coast of Africa) seems to have had no corresponding effect on global temperatures. This places one of the founding principles of this growing religion under severe pressure, as one therefore has to question all of their beliefs. Can the church survive this crisis?

Everybody wants to take out Mugabe!

2008-12-07T22:06:00.002+02:00

For years Thabo Mbeki was the only one who wanted to take Bob out - but only for dinner and a show. Now, Desmond Tutu thinks he should be taken out by any means necessary. You go, Arch! There are similar noises coming from Kenya, Botswana and even COPE. Hell, even Gatsha Buthelezi has climbed on board. Why the hell did this take so long?

Can everybody just calm the fuck down...

2008-11-12T00:05:00.001+02:00

Luke Watson is a cunt. But that's hardly news, is it.
SADC is a monumental fuck-up. OK, no let me rephrase that. Maybe I haven't expressed myself clearly. The dozen odd demagogues, dictators and general fuckers who claim to represent everybody in Southern Africa are some of the worst scum sucking wankers that have ever walked the earth. They are spineless men of no moral worth and are traitors not only to the people of Zimbabwe, but to the people of their own countries.
However, let's not get more worked up than is necessary. Let's just remember this next April or so when we get to choose the wankers who are going to run our country for the next five years. We've seen what the current regime (be they Zuma or Lekota flavoured) can do. If you think it's good enough, go for it. If not, well then, pick somebody else. But please stop shouting about killing this or that one, or this counterrevolutionary did this to me or whatever the fuck. Just chill. It took the Americans only eight years of Bush to catch a wake up, are we that much dumber?

Relax and vote the fuckers out, and most of this shit will just disappear. We can maybe just get on with our lives. And see Luke for the comedian he really is...

Deal or no deal - Zimbabwe version

2008-11-10T13:07:00.003+02:00

SADC: "Dear Morgan. You have a suitcase which may contain everlasting peace and prosperity for the people of Zimbabwe. Or it may contain 10 old Zimbabwe dollars. I am offering you a nice ceremonial position on our friend Bob's cabinet, including a company car and a good pension, for your suitcase. Bob will control the army, the police, the land and the money. You will be able to make important sounding speeches but will really not be able to change anything at all. Deal or no deal?"

Morgan:"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....? WTF?"

SADC: "To get this suitcase, you fought for many years, won a crooked election against the odds, suffered arrests and intimidation, your followers have been murdered, you have had no support from neighbouring countries... Think carefully...

Morgan: "I still like my suitcase. No deal."

SADC: "We'll throw in a Thabo Mbeki T-shirt..."

Amateur rocketry 101 or the incredible (but true) Oaxaca flying stove incident

2008-11-06T13:23:00.007+02:00

Oaxaca, Mexico, Day of the Dead 2008
Take two female South African tourists, an old gas stove and a Day of the Dead parade - a certain recipe for disaster.

Gas stoves are not big in South Africa, they're electric here, especially ovens. Our two heroines are having problems lighting their gas oven. Clearly, there's not enough gas. Ingeniously, they find a simple solution to the problem. Let the gas build up a little. In fact, close the oven door for a while so it doesn't get out. These girls can use their brains - of course it works. The oven lights instantaneously.

Let us interrupt the story at this point for a brief discussion of some basic physics. If we have a chamber filled with a highly combustible substance and we allow the combustion to happen, we have what is commonly called a bomb. However, if we have a hole in the chamber which allows the combustion gases to escape, it becomes something else... Yes, it's very similar to that ancient Chinese invention, the rocket.

So, here we have an old, very solid gas stove, well primed with gas that is about to be lit through the just opened oven door - a very good approximation of a rocket, that is nicely aimed to be able to make an exit through the Fench window directly behind it. Three stories below, the unsuspecting locals are preparing for their huge annual parade. You begin to see the picture...

The result: BANGWOOSH, TINKLE, CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stove exits stage back, the French window dies, stove lands in street missing everybody, several faint in shock. Surprisingly nobody is injured, even the stove survives miraculously...

(and yes it's really true, I got the information virtually first-hand)
Update - this has now been submitted for a Darwin Award - go vote for it!

Obama wins, can SA do the same?

2008-11-05T11:12:00.004+02:00

The Americans have shown us that they can look beyond skin colour and elect somebody who was clearly the better candidate. Can South Africans do the same? Are we ready to forget about the past and judge parties on policy and merit in next year's general elections? Somehow I doubt it, but it would really be a pleasant surprise if our current failed ruling party got a major kick in the ballot box.

Meanwhile, Terror Lekota & co seem to be having some problems finding a name for their fledgling party. Finding that the ANC objected to them calling themselves the SANC, they opted for the South African Democratic Congress. Not only does this lead to major confusion with having the same acronym as the Southern African Development Community, but there is already another party that has that name. So cde Terror, here are some other names you should probably not use:

National Party - though not currently in use, it may have some negative connotations amongst some of the electorate.
Democratic Party or Democratic Alliance - good associations with Obama, but somebody got there before you.
National Socialist Party - that's been unused for a while now, but maybe should remain so...
Independent Fireworks Party - may be confusing, and you probably don't want to piss off more Zulus.

The IEC (Independent Electoral Commision) should be able to supply you with a complete list of names that are already in use.

Here are some pretty good ones that are definitely available:
The Herstigte National Congress - has a kind of historical irony that should enhance your appeal hugely amongst ageing white Afrikaans voters.
Patriotic Front Plus- shows empathy for our neighbours
The Neverending Party - good wordplay and a positive outlook - bad acronym though

If the world could vote

2008-11-04T11:44:00.003+02:00

It may yet turn out to be a landslide for Obama, but if the rest of the world could vote, it looks like it would be no contest. The fight would be stopped in round one, if we're to believe this website. At the time of posting, Obama was leading with a whopping 87% to McCain's 13% on www.iftheworldcouldvote.com. With over 700 000 votes from 212 countries, that seems to indicate an international groundswell of support for Obama, at least amongst the internet literate population.

Stop Danie Krugel

2008-10-23T17:12:00.004+02:00

Danie Krugel, well known Bloemfontein fraudster and gomgat is featuring on a new website: Stop Danie Krugel. Come on folks, you just have to look at the guy to know he ain't Al Einstein. Anyway, go check out the website, it's worth a chuckle or two.

Are McCain's prospects palin'?

2008-10-21T14:12:00.004+02:00

In the most interesting US presidential race in decades - or maybe even ever - it is becoming increasingly clear that it's going to be a landslide for Obama. John McCain looks increasingly geriatric, and that's not just his politics. A major economic crisis seldom helps the incumbent party, and folks, this one is a whopper! McCain's choice of vice-presidential running mate, the effervescent and stunningly ignorant Sarah Palin seems to have lost its initial sparkle. With Sarah being ripped to shreds on Saturday Night Live on a weekly basis, does America really think she would be good presidential material? Apparently not. I don't think so either. She is spunky and more attractive than all the other candidtaes put together - a breath of fresh air. Would I date her? Yes! Vote for her - Nooooooo!
Picture: US VP candidate Sarah Palin (left) and comedienne Tina Fey almost meet on Saturday Night Live

Old ANC vs New ANC

2008-10-19T14:47:00.002+02:00

As if one ANC was not enough, we are soon to have two of them! Which is which though - the 'new' ANC appears to be mostly the guys who have been running things for the last fifteen years, and to be honest it hasn't been pretty... Remember dr Death Manto, Sonjica the princess of Darkness, mrs Zuma and various other nincompoops. The other (Zuma) faction doesn't seem better and may in fact turn out a lot worse. Is either faction getting the brach manager's vote - I don't think so...

Well, hell, what a surprise!

2008-10-19T14:43:00.001+02:00

It appears the deal was never a deal and Bob still does not want to go... Who would ever have thought that?

Zakumi is here

2008-09-25T14:17:00.002+02:00

Finally SA have announced the 2010 mascot - Zakumi! A man in a leopard suit that looks more like a lion with green hair and a bad case of acne... The branch manager wonders if the name (ZA for South Africa, kumi for ten) refers to the number of goals that Bafana are likely to concede in their three matches.

Leadership confusion in southern Africa

2008-09-23T15:08:00.003+02:00

Well, hell! Zimbabwe has two leaders, South Africa none. With Mugabe and Tsvangirai both claiming control in our northern neighbour, chaos prevails. Otherwise all is normal, hyper-inflation, no food, no juice, no nothing.

However, in SA, more chaos than usual. Mbeki gets fired, but sadly not for incompetence. His designated successor, Jake, a man of questionable morals and zero education (oops, no sorry, he went to primary school) is waiting in the wings. The ANC promised us a smooth transition, but with cabinet ministers jumping ship faster than Greeks off the Oceanos, this too looks unlikely. The man who looks likely to take over in the interim, ANC deputy chief Kgalema Motlanthe, seems to have had no education whatsoever. Or at least none that the branch manger can find any record of... Does anyone have any sort of info on his academic status?

The branch manager can only conclude that the Zuma faction may have bitten off more than they can chew here - may it cost them heavily in the polls (which may come a bit sooner than they would have wished for). We live in interesting times...

Bloody hell, Mbeki did something in Zim!

2008-09-18T23:34:00.005+02:00

Or did he, now...

Well, apparently not. With both Tsvangirai and Mugabe claiming to be in charge, the suspicion remains that deals apart, nothing much has changed.

... to be continued...

Zapiro strikes again!

2008-09-12T12:39:00.002+02:00

You go, boy! Hats off to the Sunday Times for sticking with him. This one from the Mail and Guardian, though.

Go Zapiro, go!

2008-09-09T09:56:00.003+02:00

Zapiro, and the Sunday Times, this monkey is right behind you! Don't apologise, don't retract, long live freedom of speech. The comrades seem to have lost their sense of humour recently, they thought Zapiro was pretty funny when he was ripping off the Nats... What's the problem now?

Apathy. Nepotism. Corruption.

2008-08-22T15:38:00.002+02:00

Vote them out now. You may never get another chance.

Fuck you, China, and your Olympics

2008-08-18T12:52:00.002+02:00

Some bloke won eight medals at the Olympics... big deal. The world is glorifying a regime which executes more of its own people than any other, for such horrifying crimes as tax evasion, as Wikipedia says below: "Capital punishment is applied flexibly to a wide range of crimes, some of which are punishable by death in no other judicial system in the world. Economic crimes such as tax fraud have appeared routinely among the dockets of those receiving the death sentence, as have relatively small-scale drug offenses. Capital punishment is also imposed on inchoate offenses, that is, attempted crimes which are not actually fully carried out, including repeat offenses such as attempted fraud. The recidivistic nature of the offenses, not their seriousness per se, is what is adjudicated to merit the capital sentence."

Officially China executed 470 people last year, but other sources say it could be as many as 6000. This is the Olympics of shame, (and not because of the performance of the SA team). In the case of Berlin (1936) the world could maybe claim ignorance, but this one takes the cake. Supporting the Beijing Olympics is standing up for oppression and totalitarianism, and a slap in the face for Tibet and freedom of speech and human rights. So Beijing: Up Yours!

Who are you and what did you do to Jon?

2008-06-30T16:38:00.002+02:00

In his latest column, the much maligned Jon Qwelane speaks with the voice of reason. Amongst other things he says:
"This country has never been in worse shape, even under the hated control of the equally disgusting Nats!
A true "state of the nation" review would shock many people:
Turmoil abounds in the• ranks of the judiciary, where judges are at one another's throats.
The police service is a• hopeless mess: the chief of the police is on trial for payola and for defeating the ends of justice. In short, he is accused of flouting the very laws he is supposed to uphold. Just the other day, the police were firing at each other, after some had used official vehicles to blockade a national highway.
The head of the• prosecuting authority has, in effect, been dismissed and there is an unconvincing hearing to determine whether he is the right man for the job.
The head of the• intelligence services has been dismissed.
The public information• system that is the SABC is a circus of a shambles; its shenanigans are simply unspeakable.
The head of the health• services continues to talk twaddle about HIV/Aids.
Education is in a sorry• state, and the authorities are keeping mum about the crippling illiteracy of the country's youth: only this week it was revealed that many children use SMS-speak to write answers to examination questions (I suppose something like "da gr8 lakes in da Afrika cntnt is cool, hey!").
Savagery of unparalleled• proportions since 1994 is being meted out to immigrants from Africa.
Unemployment is at its• highest ever, and the cost of living is astronomically high."
Is this the same guy who so pissed us off a few weeks ago? Remember, he said: "Poor President Robert Mugabe, he's having a very rough time at the hands of western and South African racists, who are being aided and abetted by their loyal puppy, Morgan Tsvangirai."
Dude, you're a bit schizo, if you don't mind me saying so...

The continued adventures of Thabo the Terrible

2008-05-30T14:47:00.004+02:00

Thabo (soon to be ex-president of South Africa) Mbeki has been at it again. Apparently he has written a nasty letter to George W, telling him to "butt out" of Zimbabwe, amongst other things, because he (George W) "has no regard for the wishes of the people of Zimbabwe". Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!
Normally I have no problem if people want to write nasty letters to GW, but... I am at a loss for words... I'll write about this when I've cooled down enough to write sensibly. My only explanation is that Thabo has lost all remaining marbles due to brain damage from the syphillis he caught from his mate, Bob.

Flashback from the eighties

2008-05-22T14:15:00.007+02:00

Watching the news recently, I had a startling feeling of déja vu, fires in the township streets, armoured police vehicles, rubber (and other) bullets flying... My god, was I back in the nightmarish eighties? I pinched myself, no, it was still there. I was still in my living room, not in the eighties! Eish, thank goodness.
All we need to complete the illusion, however, is for Thabo to start waving his finger in the air. Our government is looking more and more like the one it replaced. Just like the apartheid government, it has opinions contrary to those of the world outside (like the HIV/AIDS issue, the crisis in Zimbabwe) and just refuses to listen. It is obsessed with pursuing racist agendas (hiding behind BEE and affirmative action) to the detriment of every citizen except their mates. It has now started using the Defense Force against its own citizens and the economy. It is starting to interfere with press freedom. It is interfering with the rule of law and judicial processes. The symptoms are endless. They are a black version of the old regime. LET'S TELL THEM TO GO - USE YOUR VOTE!

Pictured PW Botha with Nelson Mandela

Bollocks and more bollocks

2008-05-20T13:33:00.005+02:00

So, our fellow South Africans decide to start murdering suspected immigrants. I cannot begin to express my disgust at this shocking behaviour. However, as much as we have to be dismayed at the way it is expressed, there are legitimate complaints fuelling these fires. Once again, our government has failed its citizens, and those of our northern neighbour. Nobody really seems to know exactly how many illegal immigrants there are in South Africa, but estimates seem to vary between one and three million. And therein lies the rub. If the rule of law breaks down, this kind of shit starts happening. I'm not saying that we should kick out foreigners willy nilly, but government should at least control who is allowed in and who isn't. This violence is happening directly because of the ruling party's failure to apply immigration laws, and its failure to address problems in Zimbabwe. These issues are related - if government gives Zimbabweans refugee status (as they should have long ago) then they would actually have to admit that something's wrong with their beloved Bob's government, and we know they're not about to do that!
So once again, the innocents suffer because of Thabo's incompetence.

Fuck the pope!

2008-05-16T15:48:00.008+02:00

In what must be one of the most shameless demonstrations of academic immorality and cowardice, the Vatican's chief astronomer(WTF?) has this week coolly announced that they think aliens may exist and, dig this, if they do, God made them. Read the article in the Times here. Fuck me sideways! After two millenia of burning people at the stake for things like suggesting the earth wasn't flat or that diseases are not caused by demons, but by bugs, this bastion of enligtenment, the Roman Catholic Church turns around and says: "Well, if you find aliens, our God made them". Fuck off! Where do you get this jewel from? Scripture? Show me where in the bloody Bible it mentions aliens and who made them. What's really happening is that after 20 odd centuries of ruling by terror, these fuckers are staring straight down the barrel of a 20metre cannon called science, and they know they're fucked. So now they try to play nice. Believe it or not, they also want to celebrate Charles Darwin's 200'th birthday. Dear ex Hitler Jugend pope, go fuck yourself! At least have the balls to go down with your s(t)inking ship.

Thanks to godsnot for picking this up.

Why does God send tornadoes to the Bible belt?

2008-05-13T16:34:00.005+02:00

According to the Los Angeles Times, the USA has had 654 tornadoes in 2008 so far, a ten-year high. 96 people have lost their lives to date, with 28 being killed last weekend. Which brings me to my question, what is God trying to tell His people?
According to these maps (courtesy Wikipedia) there is a clear correlation between strong religious conviction and likelyhood to be hit by a tornado, and given that there seems to be an increase in recent years in tornado frequency, what must the God-fearing citizens of the Bible belt read into the actions of their God? God sure does work in mysterious ways...

Thabo visits Bob - again

2008-05-11T10:39:00.002+02:00

Well, so Thabo visits his best mate Bob again. Not to try to get him to leave, no. Clearly not. Not to negotiate a settlement either. Because, as he's said before, there is no problem in Zim. Hyper-inflation, crime, starvation, corruption, state violence and total breakdown of government services and rule of law are not problems, they are objectives. And Thabo wants to find out from Bob exactly how he achieved this, because he's having problems achieving the same in his homeland. Hell, he can't even get elected for a third term! So Bob, please help us!

And you thought Christians were stupid?

2008-05-11T10:34:00.004+02:00

Well, umm, apparently yes. If this anything to go by. But before I get accused of prejudice, I think this goes for all other religions too...

The Hovind Scale

2008-05-10T10:30:00.005+02:00

A blogger named soulbiscuit has published a scale (apparently not entirely of his own making - thanks for the heads up soulbiscuit) to objectively categorize just how scientifically inaccurate, just how mendacious, just how wrong creationist (and other) arguments are. Of course this scale can only be named for the maestro of scientific distortion, Kent Hovind! Read all about the scale here.

Using this formula, a completely honest statement of scientific merit would score a Hovind Factor of zero.

The maximum Hovind Factor, HFmax, is a completely insane statement which contradicts all scientific evidence but adheres totally to religious doctrine and which the person making the claim knows to be untrue - while at the same time the statement also completely contradicts itself - would score (2 + 5 + 10 + 3) x (4 + 1) = 100.

The Pubic Hare

2008-05-08T13:42:00.004+02:00

Possible cure for HIV? But still no progress on stupidity

2008-05-07T14:10:00.005+02:00

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute have created an enzyme that cuts the HIV out of the DNA of infected cells, promising a possible cure for HIV infection. Great! Sadly, it appears there is still no hope for a cure for stupidity.

Mother's day gift suggestions

2008-05-06T16:38:00.007+02:00

Tired of giving Mom those same old Mother's day gifts? Here are some exciting alternatives.

The wonderful Baby Be of Use Four-Book Bundle by Lisa Brown from McSweeney's at a bargain $24.00. Order now to avoid disappointment! This beautiful set of baby books has given hours of enjoyment to mum and child alike.
Does Mom not get out much? Open up a new world for her by giving her "Teach yourself car buying and maintenance". She can spend hours lazing about under the family saloon, while doing something trule rewarding and money-saving. Available from Amazon at the bargain price of £9.49
Is Mom always feeling left out when the boys come over for the Saturday game? You can end that forever with "Rules of the game" the complete encyclopaedia that will teach her everything about every sport known to man. No more carrying snacks and drinks, she'll be like one of the boys! Available at Amazon at the bargain price of $22.10!

Now there are some hot ideas. Mom will be eternally grateful. Forget the boring old jewellery or clothes, these are REAL gifts!

Thank the lord for small mercies

2008-05-05T12:30:00.004+02:00

In his latest column, Jon Qwelane says he hasn't voted since 1994. Thank you, Jon!

Mbeki acts on Zim? Not likely...

2008-05-04T18:50:00.004+02:00

On Friday Mbeki announces that he will send a delegation to probe the alleged violence in Zimbabwe. Will this be the same kind of delegation that pronounced the elections free and fair before the results were even posted? I'd say yes, just another smokescreen to help his buddy Bob. But let's wait and see.
Meanwhile, the ZEC have finally released the results, and guess what? There needs to be a run-off, just like ZANU-PF predicted five weeks ago. How did they know? This now puts the MDC in a difficult position. If they participate in the run-off, they legitimize an election that they have no chance of winning, as Bob won't stuff up again - if you thought the last one was rigged, you ain't seen nothing yet! If they don't participate, Bob just declares victory.
Either way it leaves Bob with a problem, he's lost the parliamentary majority. Which means he will probably just remove whatever power parliament still has. And all is once more OK in Zimbabwe, peace and brotherly love reigns supreme. Thanks, comrade Thabo and the clowns of SADC!

π is actually 3! Circle fixed

2008-04-30T10:30:00.012+02:00

1 Kings, 7:23.
King James Version:
And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.
The New American Bible:
The sea was then cast; it was made with a circular rim, and measured ten cubits across, five in height, and thirty in circumference.
Hence, π = 30/10 = 3. None of this pissy 3.14159 ...blahblah... nonsense. π is an integer! And if God said so, He/She can't be wrong! However, if we take a circle, and measure its circumference, and divide it by its diameter, we get that nasty number. This is because of a design flaw in our circle. That's right, our circles have been incorrectly drawn until now. But we have fixed it! Pictured is the correct design (shall we call it the true, or Jehovian circle?) As we can clearly see the circumference is 6 times the radius, or 3 times the diameter, giving π its true value of 3. Q.E.D. and don't let those atheists and evolutionists tell you otherwise!

Kent Hovind's alma mater

2008-04-24T20:46:00.008+02:00

This is the formiddable institution where 'Dr' Kent Hovind obtained both his masters and PhD degrees - Patriot U., formerly Navajo Nation Alcoholics Anonymous
Impressive, innit...
Stumbled across this, so I thought while I'm posting funny pics, I might as well.

Lovers or just best friends?

2008-04-24T15:25:00.001+02:00

Chinese junk sent home

2008-04-24T15:08:00.004+02:00

Well, seems like the good guys finally won a round. Bob's shipment of Chinese weapons has been sent back to China tails been the legs. Three cheers for COSATU, the South African legal system and all the rest of the blokes who stuck up for our neighbours! And no thanks to Thabo!

Hydrogen producing alloy now economically viable

2008-04-23T14:19:00.003+02:00

Researchers at Purdue University announced last year that they had discovered a new process to make hydrogen on demand by allowing water to react with aluminium, forming aluminium oxide and hydrogen. The hydrogen can be supplied to a fuel cell or internal combustion engine. To enable the reaction a small percentage of Gallium is alloyed with the aluminium. Recently, the team have announced that theyhave refined the process to make it more economically viable and it is now price competitive with existing technologies. All waste products can be recycled, making the entire process a lovely shade of green. Bravo! How long will we wait until we see cars using this technology? The oil prices may well force an accelerated programme.

High speed evolution

2008-04-22T13:54:00.007+02:00

Researchers found that a colony of Italian wall lizards introduced to an Adriatic island in 1971 have undergone major evolutionary changes in a very short (on evolutionary scales) period of 36 years. The lizards have evolved both anatomical and behavioural changes on a previously unknown scale due to a sudden change in their environment.
Five pairs of lizards were introduced to the verdant island Pod Mrcaru from neighbouring barren island Pod Kopiste. These lizards have rapidly adapted from a carnivorous to a mostly vegetarian diet due to the abundant availability of plant food sources, which were absent in their original habitat. These changes include adaptation of their jaws to enable more efficient chewing of plant material, drastic changes to their digestive tracts for easier plant digestion, and a complete disappearance of territorial behaviour. Kent Hovind, go suck on that! Full paper and a briefer version.

Rapport believes in perpetual motion machines

2008-04-20T17:36:00.009+02:00

OMG. They've done it again. The Afrikaans Sunday newspaper Rapport, has just published an article claiming that an irrigation engineer named André de Beer has invented a device that generates electricity from water in a tank running down and turning a turbine. The turbine drives a generator that makes electricity - nothing wrong so far. Here comes the funny bit though - some of the electricity so generated is then used to pump all the water back into the tank, while the spare electricity is available to power your household.

I will offer a million Zim Dollars to anyone who can tell me why this won't work. If you're unsure, look up 'perpetual motion machine' in Wiki. What has happened to the standard of journalism in this country? A few weeks ago their sister paper Beeld were extolling the virtues of Danie Krugel's invention. Do these reporters have any scientific understanding whatsoever these days? Maybe I should sell them my time machine...

The journalist credited with this wonderful article is one Marthinus Koekemoer - is he real or is this a bastardisation of Marthinus van Schalkwyk and Vernon Koekemoer?

Good news, if only symbolic

2008-04-20T17:29:00.002+02:00

So South Africa has finally given Mugabe an "up yours, mate". Maybe ten years too late, but an SA court decided that Bob's shipment of weapons will not be allowed to pass through our beloved motherland. Hooray! Sadly, they didn't manage to impound the weapons, as they were supposed to and these are now rumoured to be heading to Angola, where Bob's mate Dos Santos will no doubt allow them through. These weapons, by the way, are on their way from China, that shining beacon of freedom. Why were they ever given the Oympics?

Three cheers for COSATU!

2008-04-19T00:16:00.005+02:00

Well, hell. Just when we thought it was all just more of the same, Mbeki does buggerall, Bob does whatever he wants and the whole of Southern Africa doesn't seem to notice, a miracle...
There's a Chinese ship lying in Durban carrying, guess what, more arms for Bob to bring even more democracy to his people. Our government apparently thinks this is great. But into the fray steps COSATU (the Congress of SA Trade Unions) who say that not a fuck will their workers unload any of this crap. Bully for them! Brothers, I am right behind you on this one! I will come Toyi-toyi right alongside you, comrades. At least one organisation in this neck of the woods is willing to do something to make the situation in Zimbabwe better (or at least prevent it going even further backwards.

Breaking news...

2008-04-17T17:23:00.002+02:00

Despite calls to publish the vote count from Zimbabwe's southern African neighbors, George W. Bush, Gordon Brown, and the UN secretary general, Ban Ki Moon, the man with the greatest leverage, President Thabo Mbeki of South Africa, has remained bizarrely silent. Last Saturday, after a closed-door session with Mugabe, Mbeki stunned the world by declaring that "there is no crisis in Zimbabwe." - the International Herald Tribune.
From a trusted government source, the Monkeysphere has now learned that Thabo Mbeki is actually not attempting to broker a deal to get Mugabe to relinquish power, but he is actually trying to get advice on how to achieve that elusive third term in office. The South African constitution prevents a president from serving three terms, but Mr. Mugabe is a recognised expert in dealing with constitutions and other bothersome legislation, and apparently Mr. Mbeki holds his opinions in high regard.

Gordon Brown - "Nobody thinks Bob won"

2008-04-17T10:52:00.005+02:00

So Gordon Brown thinks “No one thinks having seen the results in polling stations that President Mugabe has won this election. A stolen election would not be a democratic election at all.” and told the UN-AU conference as much. Bully for him! However, he's wrong - offhand I can think of a few who think Bob won (or should have). Bob himself knows he won, the votes were just counted funny. Thabo Mbeki still thinks there is "no crisis in Zimbabwe" and really doesn't want to talk about it either. But, the champion of them all is, wait for it, Jon Qwelane!
Jon, in his column, reckons: "Poor President Robert Mugabe, he's having a very rough time at the hands of western and South African racists, who are being aided and abetted by their loyal puppy, Morgan Tsvangirai." Jon, I have a question for you - why are you not living in Bob Mugabe's enlightened paradise where you could be free of these Western and South African racists, and enjoy the full joy and prosperity of Bob's policies? Why, hell, you can even help him explain to the people of Zimbabwe how misguided they are. Bright Matonga looks like he could use some help. Maybe you can take Thabo along, he also seems to like the conditions. We'll even give you a couple of billion Zim dollars to help you get settled!

Bob & Vern Moergabe

2008-04-17T09:39:00.004+02:00

Vote for us or we'll moer you!

1, 2, 3, Blog myself

2008-04-09T14:51:00.009+02:00

With all the wonderful technology around, anybody now has the opportunity to make a fool of themselves not only in 'real life' but online as well, so here goes my first attempt:

‘Its not who votes that counts, its who counts the votes’ - Joe Stalin

Question for the day: How do you rig an election and still manage to lose it? WTF, and Mbeki is so far into La La Land that he thinks the situation is "manageable". Fuck me sideways. Moses floating in a basket in denial, is what it is. It's as kosher as a ham sandwich. Jake Zuma has at least shown some signs of sanity, but his word may just be worth a million Zim dollars (i.e. sweet bugger all, for those who don't know). Even the ANC Youth league have said the elections are uncool, but they can't even hold their own bloody elections. WTF, man? What is going on? Maybe these guys are right.

It's frankly bordering on treason that Thabo Mbeki, who spent his whole youth fighting for democracy and whose father was a major figure in the struggle against apartheid, should have so little respect for that institution and so little sympathy for the ordinary Zimbabweans that even now he won't speak out against his old comrade. I think if his dad was still around, he would have given Thabo a sound spanking years ago.

It's all as transparent as load shedding to me...